A letter to me

Dear Me,
     I know that you are nearing 40, but it is time to take a little stock in your life.  When you were 17 you found out you were pregnant and gave birth to a son.  You spent two years giving him your very best, only to have him ripped from you by a crappy court.  You then married a man who wanted you to be something you weren't but you tried and tried and still after almost 8 years you just couldn't do it anymore.  Through all of that time, you had a mother who spent her days making sure you knew how you were the one who screwed everything up.  She never forgave you for the things that happened with your son in 1993.  You both tried to make things better.  You had an argument and said the things that needed to be said.  And you thought things were going well.  You moved around a little and finally ended up back home in your hometown.  But you are nearing 40 and things can and do change.  Tonight kind of solidified the constant problems between you and your mother.  She is set  in her ways and obviously doesn't want to change.  You can't please her so why do you even try.  It does you no good to try and make her happy when she is obviously miserable and likes it that way.  You made an honest mistake today and instead of asking why and trying to understand, she blew it out of proportion and made ugly statements about it on Facebook.  I enjoy Facebook just as much as the next person, but sometimes its just SO STUPID.  You have a daughter who loves you and a husband who thinks you are wonderful.  Why are you so stuck on trying to please a miserable woman?  Yes she is your mother and I know you love her.  But when is it ever going to be good enough for her?  Let me tell you, it's not.  You have made some gradual changes in your life lately.  And you are taking the steps in the direction of making your dreams come true.  I hope and pray to the Goddess that your mother grows up and realizes how wonderful a person you are, but unfortunately I don't think it will ever happen.  She is angry about, whatever, and she doesn't want to try and make amends for it.  You have apologized and apologized to her for everything, but it will be up to her whether she accepts those apologies.  You can't keep worrying about whether or not she approves.  You are a grown woman and the only approval you need is your own.  Keep the faith my sister, my friend.  The Goddess is watching out for you and will be there when you need her most.  Blessed Be!

Cleansing

Sometimes it's just time for a little cleansing. I began cleaning out my friends list on Facebook. I had already made the decision to get rid of a bunch of people but had been putting it off because it was just too much trouble to go through and delete one person at a time. There isn't a way to mass delete people. So with the solstice coming up I decided to go ahead and do it. I'm getting rid of people who don't really talk to me and who are only there because of my recent reunion. The reunion has come and gone and there just is no reason to keep them any longer. I wasn't friends with them in school and I'm not friends with them now. I have discovered recently that its not the quantity of friends you have but the quality of the friends you have. And I've noticed that the quality of my friends has grown lately. I don't have many but the ones I have are genuinely quality friends.

I looked at a store front today and got some information on it. It's a little bigger than I expects but it could work. I'll wait for the contact from the lady downtown but I think this could be what I'm looking for. I'm not going to stand idly by anymore while everyone else gets what they want. I'm going after what I want and by the Goddess I'm going to get it.

Blessed Be my lovelies!!

Just a couple of thoughts

I don't ask for much.  I ask that my child be happy and my family be healthy.  However, sometimes those things aren't where I want them to be.  I know that things don't always go the way we want them to.  But sometimes I just wish for once they would go our way.  My family has been through enough.  Okay, I am not going to rant and rave about things not going right.  However, the Winter Solstice is coming up and it is a time of renewal and regeneration.  I think there will be some wonderful changes in the coming year.

I took a step yesterday towards my business.  I contacted the downtown area about available spaces for my shop.  There is a small space available and I will be going to look at it sometime next week.  There are several programs I was informed about because of the rehab that is going on downtown.  I hope to be able to qualify for a couple of these.  I really want this shop to be a success and I have every confidence that I can do this.

This is probably going to be my shortest entry ever, but there are just so many things going through my head that if I continue to type I'll run out of space, lol.  Oh but I did get a new addition to our little family this week.  His name is Merlin and he is a 9 week old rat terrier puppy.  He is still very much a baby and needs a lot of attention.  Blessed Be everyone......

this is Merlin....isn't he just SO cute??

Just a little venting

As many know, I have had a lot of trials and tribulations in my life lately.  We lost our home and had to move.  I had a really bad scare with some medical issues.  I have spent a good chunk of the last four months trying to get my family back on track.  Today, I was shown exactly how people perceive me and I didn't like it.  But, I also know that I have a wonderful husband and daughter and whether people like me or not is no longer a concern of mine.  I try very hard not to share my problems on Facebook.  I do post about some of my feelings and have discovered that some people don't like those either.  I was always under the impression that it was ok to let people know how you feel about things.  I guess that with some people, unless you feel as they do, your opinions and feelings do not count.  My feelings are my feelings and I should not have to justify them to anyone.  I spent the better part of the first of the year planning my high school reunion.  I wanted to get people t-shirts to commemorate the event.  However, with the things that have happened in my life recently, they have been on hold.  I had to pay for these out of my own pocket and now people are asking for their money back.  This is fine.  I will gladly pay them back.  I just don't feel that people should be upset with me because I don't have a perfect life like some of them do.  I know that is not a good thing to envy people.  But sometimes when I think about how great everyone else's life is, I feel that much more crappy about mine.  I had an anxiety attack yesterday.  I didn't like the way it made me feel and I hope to never have one again.  But unless I can get my stress level under control, I see them happening more and more.  I chose to start this blog to write my thoughts and to get things that were on my mind out.  Hopefully, so I could get my stress level under control.  But considering what happened to me yesterday, it isn't happening.  

I have a goal.  I want a better life for me and my family.  I will start my business.  And I hope and pray to the Goddess that it is successful.  This is my dream and I am taking the steps to make it happen.  I am almost done with school.  However, with my stress level so high, I have been letting that go by the wayside.  I have a week to get everything caught up and I hope I can do so.  This is something that is very important to me and I want to graduate and get my degree.  People keep telling me they are proud of me for sticking with it.  I hope I don't disappoint them.  I hope I don't disappoint me.  

BLESSED BE!

Just a little

I had not intended on writing today but I just read an old post and wanted to smack myself for attempting to step away from my dream. Now yes, I do love to plan a good party and at one point thought I could make a go of it. However, that is not my dream. My dream is to open my metaphysical shop and get in touch with my inner self. I also want to let people know that just because a person is not of the same belief as you doesn't mean that they are a bad person. How many people light a candle just to enjoy the light or the fragrance?? How many light a candle to remember a loved one? All of these people are performing a type of ritual.

I spent a good chunk of my life living up to everyone else's expectations and along the way I have forgotten my own. I am starting to remember what my purpose is. Yes there will be some that will think less of me and probably step away. But you know there are those that were meant to be a part of my life and those that were meant to be a part of my past. I am blessed by the Goddess to have the ones that are meant to be there. Blessed Be!

Decisions, decisions

A friend of mine told me I should keep up with this blog, so here we are.  I've spent the past few days making some lists.  One list I made was a bucket list.  I know everyone says they have one, but I had never really thought about it.  I just figured I'd do what I was meant to do.  Well, I am doing what I was meant to do.  I am raising my family and finishing school.  I am also rediscovering my chosen path.  I know there are still alot of people out there who don't understand the path that I have chosen.  I can't change those people's points of view, but I can hopefully make them understand better.  If they chose to remain in my life, they will accept me and all that I am.  If they chose to condemn me for it, then I guess that will be their loss for not being able to understand and know a wonderful person.  

I have been working on my business plan in between school and, well, life.  I would like to meet again with my new friend and hopefully she can help me put into words what I am trying to say.  I want my shop to cater to everyone.  I want people to feel comfortable coming in and looking around.  I don't want anyone to feel that I would push my beliefs on them just for coming into my shop.  I will be looking around over the next couple of months for some shop space.  I have to determine where I want the shop to be.  Do I want it to be downtown?  Or do I want the shop to be located some where near the mall?  I think downtown will probably be a better location because of the fact that they are working so hard to bring it back.  

My daughter and I had a lovely afternoon together, just the two of us.  We made some decisions about what we will be doing over the holidays and what we will be doing at Christmas.  This year we will be staying at home for a "staycation" as my daughter put it.  Just some relaxation and family time.  Next year we will be going to the mountains and staying in a cottage for a week.  I want some time with just us three before my daughter goes off to college, which is speeding up on me quicker than I would like.  She still has some decisions to make there but I know she will make the ones she needs to.

New friends

About a week ago, I finally met in person a wonderful woman who follows the same path that I do.  It was wonderful to sit and talk with her and just feel a sisterhood.  I had been feeling a little off kilter as of late.  I wasn't sure where I was going and what I wanted to do.  I had been thinking very hard about opening my own business and how I was going to do it.  She talked to me about the different things I should look into and I was really surprised at the steps that I had overlooked.  I am on a good path and I know that this is the path that I need to be on.  I have been slipping in school and have now caught back up and have raised my GPA.  Until the other day at lunch, I had actually thought about forgetting it all.  Now I am glad I didn't.  This is what I need to do and this is what I was meant to do.  I hope that with my business I can put to rest any misconceptions people have about the path that we have chosen.  I have some more research to do and definitely ALOT more reading to do, but I know that I will get there and soon.  The Winter Soltice is soon and I am looking forward to it for the first time in a while.  Blessed Be!