Time for a Cleansing

I am not sure how this blog is helping me, except that when I feel the need to get my thoughts out, I know I can open my blog and type. I have been on a personal journey lately, and I think I am getting to where I need to be on my path.  I have been doing a lot of reading, and studying on the Craft.  If I wasn't sure before, I am sure now that this is the path that I need to be on.  I am so looking forward to Spring and warmer weather.  I want to be outdoors and in the garden.  I want to go exploring in the wildlife preserve that sits behind our home.  I have so many little projects going on in my head that I want to complete.  I want to build some shelves for my kitchen....a greenhouse for my herbs.......a small moon garden......just so many projects and doing them in the cold air is not condusive to making me want to complete them.  lol....But I digress.  I also want to prepare a meditation area in the front room.  I want to have an area where I can go to meditate and calm myself.  I have felt disconnected lately and want to center myself a little more.  I am working on decluttering my house and sweeping away all the negative energies that have lived here for so long.  It is time to get those negative energies out and keep them out.  I know this is the year for me to start my business and I can't move forward with those plans with all this negative energy floating around.  I have to go pick up some supplies but I will be doing a house blessing this weekend.  I want to finish decluttering the house and finishing my meditation area first tho.  Once I have all of these things done, I will bless my house and ask the Goddess to watch over us and shine her healing light upon us.   I also need to make another wand.  I discovered mine yesterday in a box in storage and it was broken.  I think it got broken in the move. I hate that it is broken but maybe it was telling me it was time for a new one.  

I am moved to speak on another matter that is really bothering me.  When we first moved in here, my neighbor next door had four pitbulls and a couple of rat terriers.  I have one of the puppies from the two terriers.  He is my Merlin.  Well, a couple of weeks ago they informed us they were moving.  Well, I have watched them come and go with their things.  Yesterday there were still two pits outside and my little Merlin's daddy.  Today I get home from picking up my daughter from school and they were outside loading up another load to take to their new place.  When we left to take her to work, the final two pits were gone, but Merlin's dad was still wandering around outside.  I told my husband that if they didn't come claim him by the weekend then we were adopting him.  He is over here most days anyway.  I just can not stand someone who abandons their animals because they are annoying or whatever.  They are dogs.  They are going to bark and pee on tires and poop in the yard.  I would rather them do their business outside than inside my house.  And when we first moved here we thought very highly of these people because the pit bulls that they had were all rescued from people who were fighting them.  Well now, my thoughts on these people is not very pleasant.  Looks like we are going to be adopting another dog this weekend, because I honestly don't think they will come back for him.  That is ok because I know he will be loved and taken care of over here.  Blessed Be my friends and may the Goddess shine her light on you.

Silently praying to the Goddess for strength

Ever have one of those days where the best you can do is not sit down and just cry? Well that's been me the past three days. I have gotten teary eyed over sappy commercials, TV shows, and movies. All because I feel less than myself. I feel that I am missing something and I'm not real sure what it is. I have been watching what I eat, I've been exercising and yet I feel that I'm not quite doing everything I'm supposed to do.  I have been looking through Facebook and have found a couple of pages that offer words of encouragement every day.  However, I want this, not just for me but for my daughter too.  She is constantly complaining about the way she looks, but is not willing to do anything about it.  I want her to be comfortable in her own skin, but until she stands up and does what she needs to do about it, I feel bad for her.  I don't want to be one of these overbearing people who is constantly on her case about it.  She has to be the one who decides that she wants this, not me.  I can tell her every day that she needs to stick to her diet and her exercise, but that isn't going to make her do it.  If anything, she will be hating me and cussing me under her breath.  And I don't want that.  I am trying to be a supportive mother, but I can’t sit idly by while she just does nothing.  I am giving her until Valentine’s Day to step up and do something.  If, at that time, she still refuses to do what she needs to do to help herself, she is going to be a very angry teenager. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking the past few days and I have come to the conclusion that I cannot do this by myself.  I need help and encouragement.  I am going this weekend to have my hair and nails done.  I always feel pretty after a trip to the salon.  Maybe this will give me the little boost to my ego that I need.  I have a goal to meet and I am not going to let my attitude get in the way.  I know that I have health issues that prevent me from doing things in the normal way.  However, I will not let my health issues defeat me.  Tomorrow is the first day of February and it is a new dawn in my journey.  When I go to the grocery store, there will be more fresh fruit and vegetables in my cart.  I will not be buying a lot of junk food.  I hope I can encourage my daughter to do the same.  I want her to be happy with who she is.  I also want her to be healthier.  I do not want her to go through what I have been going through the past few years because of my weight.  I am going to search for an app on my phone that maybe sends words of encouragement to my phone each day or something.  I tried the sticky note thing.  I was leaving myself little notes around the house about what my goals are and what I needed to do to reach them.  I want to lose this weight and be a healthier person for my family and for me.  I want to open my business this year too.  This is going to be a wonderful year for us.  I know in my heart that things are changing and they are changing for the better.  It is going to be our best year yet.  I was told that I was crazy for wanting to start my own business.  Maybe I am crazy.  But I also know that if you never try, then you will never know what you are capable of.  And I may fail terribly, but, again, if I don’t try, I will never know.  Blessed Be my friends.

Change

I keep seeing signs. Signs that I should stand up and say "My time is NOW!"  I made a new years resolution that this would be a better year for my family. Well January is almost over and I haven't seen any sign of things getting better. But through some meditation and calming thoughts I KNOW that this is MY TIME. My family deserves so much better than what we have been given over the past couple of years. I have been on a healthier diet and exercise regimen and I have lost 3 pounds. I know that may not be a lot to some but for me that is a huge achievement. I made a goal to be more honest with myself, my friends and my family. And I have lived up to that. I will no longer sit idly by and let things get bottled up inside where they fester like a bad tooth. I had a long talk with my husband the other night. I spent a few hours by myself and did some thinking. I have tried for over two years to get a job in this town. No one will hire me because of my former employer. I can't do anything about what they did to me but Karma will get them in the end. I talked with my husband about being tired of having to struggle so hard for the things that we have. I was tired of having to worry about where our next meal was coming from and worrying every day whether or not we would have enough gas to get everyone back and forth to work and school. I try very hard not to be envious of what other people have but when I sit here and worry the way I do about our situation its hard not to be. I wish I had finished college a long time ago but I didn't. Well that is about to change. I went back to school and I am almost done. I know with a little faith and hard work we can change our situation and we are going to change it.  I just have to keep a positive attitude and know that things will be the way they are meant to be very soon.  Blessed Be!

A poem

I sit in silence while others chat
No one can see beneath the smile
I fake a laugh to cover the tears
No one can hear me scream.
I scream for what might have been
And for what should be
No one can see the pain that I hide
If I show weakness it is with but a sigh
No one can hear me scream
Because I keep my feelings silent
I want to scream to the world that I can't take the pain
but to do so would only show the weakness of why no one can hear me scream!

Friendship????

I know there are not a lot of people who read my blog. I have 2 followers and I follow, I think only three or four people. But this isn't about how many people follow me. This blog is about my personal thoughts and inner dreams. I write maybe once a week, sometimes more if I get the notion. Tonight was supposed to be a birthday party/dinner for my daughter. I know she invited a couple of her friends and of course my husband and I were going to be there. Plus we invited a couple of our adult friends. And as per my blog from yesterday, tonight was a prime example of why we don't go out and socialize. One couple I can't be upset with because my friend was sick. But the other couple knew over a week ago that they had made plans with us tonight and all of a sudden they have to help someone else out. I think it is BS that they screwed us over for someone else. But it is ok. I understand and if this is what they define as friendship then I don't want any part in it. This is not what I call it. A friend is defined as a person for whom one feels affection and respect. Backing out on plans at the last minute because one of your other friends called is not respectful. They should have told the other people "we have plans already, how about a rain check?" But as I've stated before, I have discovered that it is not the quantity of friends you have but the quality of the ones you have. And we don't have many but I hope that the few we do have prove to be of better quality than the ones who have shown their true colors as of late.

On to another subject, I am glad that one of my daughter's friends did show up for her dinner. And I am glad she had a good time. Even thought I did embarrass her thoroughly at the restaurant. We went to Golden Corral and I had the waitstaff sing happy birthday to her. And she turned beet red and I LOVED the expression on her face. Especially when not five minutes before she asked for no surprises. LOL. But I do love her and she knew when she asked that I was going to do it anyway. We weren't out long and we came home and relaxed for the rest of the evening. And I already have plans for her 18th birthday. Those plans will be kept secret tho until I iron out all of the details. I want so much for her and I know this is our year. Blessed Be my brothers and sisters. And may the Goddess shed her wonderful light on you tomorrow and every day!!

Just a few thoughts

One heck of a week, let me tell you.  I spent over nine hours in the ER on Monday trying to figure out what was going with my side.  And after those long, BORING hours sitting there doing nothing, I was told "we don't know what is wrong, but if it happens again or you start to run a fever, come back."  Why would I want to come back to a place where they tell you they see you in the order of need, not the order you enter the ER, and yet I sat there for four hours, and watched them deal with sniffles and runny noses while I sat in a hard wheelchair, doubled over in pain.  The pain has still not gone away and all week I have felt like all I wanted to do was sleep.  I made a nice dinner for the family Wednesday night, and couldn't keep it down.  I have only been sick like that twice and both times I was pregnant.  I am pretty positive there is no pregnancy, but something is going on and I want to know what.  I called my regular doctor and I hope I can deal with this until the 17th when I have my appointment.

Someone asked me a while back why I didn't go out much anymore.  Well, honestly, I just don't have the urge to do so.  Plus, nothing against my husband, it would be nice to have another couple or a few friends to go out with every now and again.  We don't have many friends, and there is a very good reason for that.  I won't get into that here because it's just too long of an explanation to try and put it all on here.  Just let me say that when you get let down over and over and over again, you learn to quit relying on people and start relying on yourself.  Because in the end, the only person you can really count on is yourself.  I don't like feeling that way, and I am trying very hard to not feel that way.  But sometimes it is hard to put my trust in people.  I sit here at home every day with no one to talk to but my animals.  I do homework, housework, and when weather permits, I do yard work.  I wish I had a job to go to every day and socialize with other adults, but until I can get my business up and running, that just isn't in the cards for me right now.  I have accepted the fact that my last employer screwed me out of a job in this town.  And I know that Karma will come around and bite him square in his ass for what he did to me.  And I hope that I am around to pop the popcorn for that show.

Ok, onto other things.  My wonderful daughter turned 17 on Tuesday.  She is growing up so fast and I just don't know where the time is going.  She has started looking at colleges and sent off a card the other day to go visit one in March.  She is into her second half of her junior year and is talking about prom and buying a car.  Where did my little girl go?  Where did my lovely little giggling child go who used to climb into my lap and ask me to sing to her?  Yes, my little girl is no longer a little girl.  She is growing into a wonderful young woman who will do great things.  Saturday night we are taking her out to dinner and I hope she has a wonderful time.  I am also putting together a cookbook for her with some recipes from me, her grandmother and her great grandmother..3 generations of recipes to put together.  It won't be done by Saturday but I can't wait to get it all put together.  It has brought so many wonderful memories looking through all these recipes from my mom and my grandmother.  Blessed Be everyone, have a wonderful weekend.

Pipe dreams

Our holidays were, to say the least, not the best this year.  My jeep broke down.  We didn't have the best time.  But now is the new year.  I am back to school, and I'm very determined to obtain my degree very soon.  I have been doing some thinking lately and have some things I want to do.  I have been toying for a very long time with writing a book.  I have some characters in mind, and a possible plot.  But I keep coming around to writing about my life.  I don't know if it would even get picked up by a publisher, but hey, maybe I just need to write it for me.  I have so many things I want people to know and I have always been a person who was better at writing my feelings down, than speaking them verbally.  Who knows, maybe I will just sit down and do it one day.

This is a new year and a new me.  I have begun a path of healthier eating and healthier living.  I have started walking more and my menus for my family are healthier.  My goal is to lose at least 50 pounds by June.  I know I can do it and so can my daughter.  She is my inspiration for this.  She needs to get healthier and I am going to walk right along with her.  My husband, of course, is right there with us.  But he really doesn't have a choice.  LOL...he has to eat what everyone else is eating and well, if that means healthy foods then he'll just have to eat them too.  He doesn't care.  He wants us to do what makes us happy.  That is why I love him so much.  He is always there to pick me up when I fall and to make me laugh when all I want to do is cry.

Another thing I have been thinking about is applying to appear on a television show called Chopped.  We are a very Food Network family.  We have certain shows that we like to watch and most of them seem to air on the Food Network.  One of these shows is Chopped.  There are four contestants who each get a mystery basket.  The challenge is to prepare a course out of the ingredients in the basket.  There are three rounds and the winner walks away with $10,000.  Maybe its a pipe dream, but my family loves my cooking and I love to experiment with cooking.  Who knows?  Maybe I could go on the show and walk away with the money.  Or I could get on the show and freeze and embarass myself lol.  I have the application downloaded and I am filling it out.  Whether I send it in or not is another question.  I'll talk to my husband and daughter and see what they think.  I'd really like to do it, but I'm also scared to death that I will make a fool of myself.

I'm going to meditate on these things and see where the Goddess leads me.  Everyone have a wonderful day.  Blessed Be.

                                                  Just a lovely shot of the sky around sunset.